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a picture says a thousand words
12-20-2014, 07:33 PM
Post: #1
Thumbs Down a picture says a thousand words
this is my 3rd week in of eating more (all tracked, tried not to nibble, tried not to listen to the voices saying "this won't work ally) and i did feel a little better.

I am up 20 pounds in total but im up 10 pounds since starting to eat more and working out with my PT. PT had me eating 6 X's a day and has me send him my food journals every single day.

Today was my body composition assessment and i finally didn't gain BUT i stayed the same <----- no change. 141.8 lbs (mind you from 118/120 lbs)

now, i had been brave. last week i think i posted something about my clothes not fitting and letting the brain get the best of me. I did cry a couple times, crying and begging and demanding to the Gods to give me my body back quickly (the healthy way of course). i journaled, i posted, i felt better and i continued.

today i just opened up my Facebook page and for the first time in about 7 months i was out for a friend's bday party. i felt brave and beautiful enough to let myself be seen. then the pictures came. then the tags came, then I SAW MY BIGGER BODY, and i want to cry all over again.

.....i want to cry cry cry, i've had a knot on my throat since then..... i just can't believe that's how big i look! and don't worry i won't go back to not eating or barely eating or VLCD's BUT i do feel sad. I feel really really defeated, like the genetic Gods are against me.
why me? why this? why does my body not work ? why is my body not like a thin regular woman?

....ughh i don't really expect any replies. i just wanted to write this out. until the knot on my throat goes away.


Ally
December 2014
141.8 tons
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12-21-2014, 09:15 AM
Post: #2
RE: a picture says a thousand words
Carry on, I feel the same as you, but once we are conscious of gge fact that the old ways were no good, it would be foolish trying to convince ourselves otherwise. We will go all the way and we'll succeed. Adopt a nice attitude, love yourself and give yourself a sincere smile: this is also a mental reset.
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12-21-2014, 09:42 AM
Post: #3
RE: a picture says a thousand words
Your body does work. You can lift heavy weights, you can walk, you can run. Your body does work. But it's not stick thin. And ya know what? I know a bunch of stick thin women (including my mum) who wishes they could gain muscle, could have squishy thighs to comfort their grandchildren on, etc. We all want something other than ourselves and that is the bum deal we were taught as a women. The key is to start looking at your body as the useful tool it is. I have big muscular thighs and bum - and damn, I'm a fabulous field hockey goal keeper because of it. I can get into wrestling matches with my husband and hold my own. My mum may be a stick figure but she gets exhausted easily and is more prone to osteoporosis, which I won't be, and just doesn't have the strength that I do.

You are on a journey, my friend, and it's just the beginning. You may be gaining some weight right now but it's not the end. You might lose a bit, you may end up with awesome muscle, you may end up being thinner than you thought but a lot healthier. Remember - this is not a sprint. And you are not your weight or your body size...you are so much more.

You can do this. And you can b*tch all you want. But we'll keep trying to booster you up as best we can.
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12-21-2014, 12:39 PM
Post: #4
RE: a picture says a thousand words
Ally, hugs to you. I understand your emotions. Reset is frankly, the worst (and the best!). Its such a mind f*$@ and gaining weight is not fun. Like you, I've cried, I've cussed, I've cried some more trying on clothes. However, it will click. The reset will be the best thing - in the longer run you'll look back and know it was better to put up with a few extra pounds to get your body to the point that it will actually respond appropriately to cal in/cal out than eat 1000 cal a day for the rest of your life and nothing happens. Hang in there.
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12-21-2014, 01:14 PM (This post was last modified: 12-21-2014 01:17 PM by LikeAGirl.)
Post: #5
RE: a picture says a thousand words
Keep eating. Keep resetting your metabolism and your brain. Emma is right that the reset is the worst and best all at the same time. Save those pictures. In a few months you will look back at them with a fresh perspective and realize that they probably don't look nearly as bad as you think they do now. Your brain and perspective will change just as much as your metabolism and body.

I have a daughter in high school. Part of my perspective change has been looking at her and thinking how skinny she is. When she steps on the scale (which is very rarely...usually just for sports physicals) she is over 130 lbs. She is about 5ft 5in. I was her height in high school and about 125-130. I remember thinking I was huge. I felt huge. I just knew everyone else thought I was huge. But now that I look back on it, I wasn't huge at all. I was her size. The problem was I didn't eat well or regularly. I skipped lunches. I ate crap for breakfast. It was more mental than it was physical.

Now I look at her, and I think that at my height wanting to be 145 lbs is crazy unreasonable. I have had two kids. I'm happy with having boobs (which are mostly fat). I like having a butt in my yoga pants. If I were anywhere near 145 lbs I wouldn't have any body fat, boobs, or booty. Somewhere in the 160's has become my new "happy to be there" weight.

You are tall. Over 5 ft 7in. Do you really think that 145lbs is that unreasonable? I'd imagine, you are starting to look healthy. And if you are working out with weights, you are going to start to develop some awesome muscle definition.

Eat!! And be happy. Like Mrsukyankee says...you're body does work. You can move, lift heavy things, and spend time with friends. Treat yourself with some kindness and respect and eat. Eventually, your body will trust you again and start working even better than it does now happy
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12-21-2014, 01:57 PM
Post: #6
RE: a picture says a thousand words
(12-21-2014 09:15 AM)juliacarreras Wrote:  Carry on, I feel the same as you, but once we are conscious of gge fact that the old ways were no good, it would be foolish trying to convince ourselves otherwise. We will go all the way and we'll succeed. Adopt a nice attitude, love yourself and give yourself a sincere smile: this is also a mental reset.

...thank you so much. i will keep that in mind. "mental reset", so true!
i appreciate your comment, thank you :-)
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12-21-2014, 02:01 PM
Post: #7
RE: a picture says a thousand words
(12-21-2014 09:42 AM)mrsukyankee Wrote:  Your body does work. You can lift heavy weights, you can walk, you can run. Your body does work. But it's not stick thin. And ya know what? I know a bunch of stick thin women (including my mum) who wishes they could gain muscle, could have squishy thighs to comfort their grandchildren on, etc. We all want something other than ourselves and that is the bum deal we were taught as a women. The key is to start looking at your body as the useful tool it is. I have big muscular thighs and bum - and damn, I'm a fabulous field hockey goal keeper because of it. I can get into wrestling matches with my husband and hold my own. My mum may be a stick figure but she gets exhausted easily and is more prone to osteoporosis, which I won't be, and just doesn't have the strength that I do.

You are on a journey, my friend, and it's just the beginning. You may be gaining some weight right now but it's not the end. You might lose a bit, you may end up with awesome muscle, you may end up being thinner than you thought but a lot healthier. Remember - this is not a sprint. And you are not your weight or your body size...you are so much more.

You can do this. And you can b*tch all you want. But we'll keep trying to booster you up as best we can.

I absolutely love that last paragraph ( loved everything about it)... thank you so much for all of your replies, i mean you probably don't know how this forum is helping me through this journey. and yes, ill probably keep on B#*ing LOL but I know that everybody here is so wonderful and supportive and non judgmental. It is really truly amazing, and your words are really having an impact on me right now :-) thank you thank you thank you.
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12-21-2014, 02:05 PM
Post: #8
RE: a picture says a thousand words
(12-21-2014 12:39 PM)emma Wrote:  Ally, hugs to you. I understand your emotions. Reset is frankly, the worst (and the best!). Its such a mind f*$@ and gaining weight is not fun. Like you, I've cried, I've cussed, I've cried some more trying on clothes. However, it will click. The reset will be the best thing - in the longer run you'll look back and know it was better to put up with a few extra pounds to get your body to the point that it will actually respond appropriately to cal in/cal out than eat 1000 cal a day for the rest of your life and nothing happens. Hang in there.

mind f*% is an understatement! i loved your comment as well. It really truly made my day tolerable and i even started to laugh about it (i needed some humor in this) and it is also awesome to know that someone is going through the EXACT same thing because of the EXACT reasons.
I can't easily explain to my friends WHY im having to gain weight....they look at me startled and say "you're perfect" which is nice but it doesn't really help me navigate through the feelings that YOU and I and everybody here know about!
thanks a ton for it! that last sentence was so me a few months ago, and that is literally the motor that keeps me from stopping and going back to the dark place!
i will hang in there! and thank you again for sharing !!
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12-21-2014, 02:12 PM (This post was last modified: 12-21-2014 02:16 PM by AllyBlue77.)
Post: #9
RE: a picture says a thousand words
(12-21-2014 01:14 PM)LikeAGirl Wrote:  Keep eating. Keep resetting your metabolism and your brain. Emma is right that the reset is the worst and best all at the same time. Save those pictures. In a few months you will look back at them with a fresh perspective and realize that they probably don't look nearly as bad as you think they do now. Your brain and perspective will change just as much as your metabolism and body.

I have a daughter in high school. Part of my perspective change has been looking at her and thinking how skinny she is. When she steps on the scale (which is very rarely...usually just for sports physicals) she is over 130 lbs. She is about 5ft 5in. I was her height in high school and about 125-130. I remember thinking I was huge. I felt huge. I just knew everyone else thought I was huge. But now that I look back on it, I wasn't huge at all. I was her size. The problem was I didn't eat well or regularly. I skipped lunches. I ate crap for breakfast. It was more mental than it was physical.

Now I look at her, and I think that at my height wanting to be 145 lbs is crazy unreasonable. I have had two kids. I'm happy with having boobs (which are mostly fat). I like having a butt in my yoga pants. If I were anywhere near 145 lbs I wouldn't have any body fat, boobs, or booty. Somewhere in the 160's has become my new "happy to be there" weight.

You are tall. Over 5 ft 7in. Do you really think that 145lbs is that unreasonable? I'd imagine, you are starting to look healthy. And if you are working out with weights, you are going to start to develop some awesome muscle definition.

Eat!! And be happy. Like Mrsukyankee says...you're body does work. You can move, lift heavy things, and spend time with friends. Treat yourself with some kindness and respect and eat. Eventually, your body will trust you again and start working even better than it does now happy

thank you and yes, it's a mind game i agree. I will keep those pictures in a folder hidden away for now! until i gain some positive perspective and can look at them again.
I mean yes, i am tall. And my friends and family tell me all the time "well you are starting to look normal!" " you were too skinny" and yeah it's nice to know that im not being judged but there's always that part of me that says "ally they're just saying that because you're so big they can't even tell you the truth" or "ally, come on they're all lying to make you feel better" (inside dialogue in my head all the time)
but there's days when i just miss my clothes and my old self (yeah unhealthy self) and i guess i don't want to go back to it but i get frustrated because i wished i was that thin normally ...then the comparisons start ...and go thorough a negative self talk process, but then i come here and find all of you, who understand and inspire me, then I know i can move on.

i guess you and emma are right. it's the most grueling process, and i am learning to ride the wave , some days better than others....

thank you!

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12-21-2014, 02:16 PM
Post: #10
RE: a picture says a thousand words
...Also, it's really funny when friends see me and say things like "ahhhh and why are you having to gain weight?" or they just smile and stare at me LOL like they haven't seen me looking this Big ever....that's tough and i mean people don't do it with evil intentions but they do look at me and inspect my body LOL it's cute but awkward and then i have to explain why and how and it's just a constant reminder that i am somehow inherently inadequate.... know what i mean?
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