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Where am I going wrong?
08-25-2012, 09:08 PM
Post: #21
RE: Where am I going wrong?
(08-24-2012 08:55 PM)Kiki Wrote:  You're doing great, Sharon! I thought of you today when I posted this on MFP earlier: http://www.7layerliving.com/wp-content/u...famine.pdf

It's a article by a Dr discussing the metabolism reset and the gaining part.

Love hearing about your strength gains. I just adore the way my body responds to weight work when I'm properly fueled!

Kiki - thank for posting that link - it was a great read!

Susan
Confused OMG - I used to eat how little?
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08-26-2012, 04:21 PM
Post: #22
RE: Where am I going wrong?
June 23 start of TDEE @ 2200 158lbs
August 11 start of cut @1890 170 lbs
August 26 two weeks into cut 175 lbs
Averaging a weight gain of 1.7 lbs per week for all of TDEE (including 1st 2 weeks of cut 10%)

I calculated TDEE at 158lbs and I gained 15lbs. I was already eating 1750 when I started eating at TDEE. I had also been steadily increasing my calories over the period of a year. Why is my body gaining so much weight?

So, do I recalculate at 175 lbs now and eat at 10% cut of that? Where does this end? I can’t believe that by continuing to accommodate the weight gain and continuing to increase the calories as my body continues to gain weight will ever result in fat loss. So far all I see is gains. I am a size 14 now. One size bigger than when I started eating at TDEE for 158 lbs.

I will keep going like you say will work. Let me know if I have to accommodate the weight gain and eat more now? I think that will put my cut above the TDEE that I was eating before. Confused...

Huh

Sharon
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08-26-2012, 04:31 PM
Post: #23
RE: Where am I going wrong?
I checked the Scooby calculator for 170 lbs at 15% cut. It is 1981. That is what I am cutting at now. I was doing 10% cut of 2200 TDEE. The increase in weight just ads 130 calories to the TDEE so it is now 2330. So... I guess I just stay the same?? Or do I do 10% of 2330? I am making too much of the numbers. I just need to wait don't I?

Sharon
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08-26-2012, 04:47 PM
Post: #24
RE: Where am I going wrong?
Thank you for the article (above). I did read it. It is encouraging, but it is not satisfying my emotional distress. Emotions are not rational. I am trying so hard to be rational about this...

Sharon
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08-31-2012, 08:02 AM
Post: #25
RE: Where am I going wrong?
Sharon,

Have you had any relapses during your recovery? Do you have any idea of what your "normal" weight is? Many people tend to return to that (or to the weight that they were before the ED) through the gaining process, but I'm assuming that because you started so young, you never allowed a "normal" time to occur? Was there ever a weight that you naturally settled at? I know that you said the one time was 197lbs, but you were in a bit of a binge then, had you ever been that weight before?

Your results are actually very typical for a person taking the slower route, as you've chosen to do (and as I did), which is why many people just jump right in and go to TDEE, so as to not experience the "in-between" phase (although, mentally, it's probably best to do so, because many people are not fully recovered before they go to cut)

I hope you know me well enough by now, to know that I will always keep it real. wink The media spends enough time sugar coating things and leading us to unrealistic expectations and I'm just not the one for that. I think that people deserve better, and they deserve the truth.

The mental aspect will continue, without a doubt, to be the most excruciating thing that you will go through. ED recovery is no small feat, and it takes much longer than we are willing to allow it. From what I've seen working with others in your situation, is that the mental recovery often is in alignment with the physical recovery. Meaning our bodies tend to be "ready" when our minds are. Sounds cliche, but I have not seen it play out differently, as of yet. I can tell just by having a conversation with someone, whether they are ready to cut or not (even when they are already cutting). This is why I tell people to pay close attention to where they are mentally in the process, because this let's them know if they are "ready" to cut. If we still have the "I have to get this weight off!" "When will it stop?" or the harsh self talk, we are often not mentally ready to cut, and the stress of that is shown in how our body reacts.

When you are in recovery, the only thing on your mind, should be recovery (getting stronger mentally, physically, etc). Continually thinking about weight loss at this point keeps you in ED bondage, and hurts your body much more than it helps.

Believe it or not, you are still in the "beginning" stages of recovery. Recovery typically takes 6-9 months *minimum*, but 1-2 years for full mental/physical/emotional stability. You have just recently hit your TDEE, even though you surely *feel* as is you've been resetting for much longer, you have to find something else to focus on other than all of the #s. They are making you crazy, and the OCD of it all will just stress you out, adding to the hormonal imbalance of it all (thus more gaining).

Is there any way for you to de-stress? I know that the family issue is going to be a tough one to overcome (it was for me, because people just could NOT understand why it seemed like I was "giving up"). Can you get a pedicure? or a massage? yoga? prayer? a good book? daily tea/coffee time?

Do something fun, or nice for yourself.

Buy yourself some cute clothes that fit you and look GOOD on you *now* (that was a HUGE one for me). It wasn't until I finally started dressing and trying to look my best right where I was, that the mental/emotional part was able to subside. I think it even helped my family, because my attitude began to change, as I began to like me. They were happy because I was happy, and even if they still had reservations, they no longer voiced them or gave me "that look." I essentially "gave up" on waiting for something to happen with the scale, and simply lived my life, right where I was. Time eventually passed, and one day I was in a store and browsing the section that had scales. I had tossed my other one, and hadn't weighed in forever, so I hopped on. My weight hadn't gone down any, but it hadn't really gone up. I also realized that I no longer cared. That's when it hit me, that I was *ready*

A watched pot never boils. If you just sit around "waiting" to plateau/stabilize, then the ED is winning. Sad

Kiki (aka rambling )
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09-01-2012, 08:39 AM
Post: #26
RE: Where am I going wrong?
Wow Kiki, I don't know if your last post helped Sharon at all, but it sure touched me! Thanks for always giving your insight into this process, it is very comforting knowing you went through the same things and came out the other end a better person both mentally and physically. I am so lucky to have found this group. I truly feel like you all are saving me from a lifetime of torture. Of spinning my wheels, doing everything wrong over and over and not getting the results I want, ever. I am truly a happier person now, almost 20 pounds over my low and about 30 pounds away from my (now higher) goal, but I know my body is in a better place already. I can only imagine where I will be at in 6 months, a year or more. All I can say is Thank You, it is finally all sinking in to my thick skull!!!
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09-03-2012, 11:40 PM
Post: #27
RE: Where am I going wrong?
Thank you Kiki, for the encouragement!! This is excruciating!!

My husband is starting to get angry and cold; like I am letting myself become fat on purpose to drive him away. He is becoming really hard to be around. He won't look at me or touch me, he barely talks to me anymore. Appearances mean a lot to him and he didn't do well when I weighed 197! We weren't "intimate" for over a year (until I took the weight back off. It took 6 months of starving and working out like mad to "fix the problem").

As for ever having a normal weight... there were a few occasions where I did not diet for more than a year (age 24-29 and age 42-44).

During the 24-29 period my weight settled out around 155-160; size 12-14 (without any purposeful exercise other than walking). Prior to this I had maintained my weight at 147 (17% body fat) bodybuilding for 5 years (size 7, 1980's sizes which I am convinced were smaller than now).

During the age 42-44 period I settled in at 197; size 18-20 (without exercise). Prior to this I spent 3 years at 125 lbs (size 2-4) without exercise (pure starvation) and the 7 years before that I weighed 130 (also 17% body fat) with 30 hours of ballet and Pilates per week (size 3-6).

I spent most of my 30's pregnant and nursing. I ate whatever I wanted and topped out at 190-207 lbs during pregnancy. I was never diabetic and always had low blood pressure and low cholesterol.

I am a size 12 now (and getting tighter by the day). The weight gain is even all over my body with the highest concentration in the mid-section.

I have not had any relapses at all. Not during reset or at anytime leading up to it. I steadily increased to TDEE and stayed for 8 weeks and now am at a religious 10% cut. My carbs are consistently too low and fat too high (almond butter is a staple) but I hit the calories every time.

I know it sounds stupid and impatient but I can't keep buying new clothes to keep up with a seemingly never ending gain. And I am really having a hard time with my husband. He thinks that a BFM is a waste of money; that I am simply eating too much because he saw me loose weight before and he has watched me eat nothing for 10 of the 12 years we have been together.

My husband was OK with the first 15-20 pounds but now I am way past the 145-150 lbs that he thought was cute (chubby). I am now just fat in his eyes. And worse than that, I am fat on purpose. I am 40lbs heavier than when I started and getting really close to the old 197 "deal breaker" weight.

Is there any way to stabilize other than maxing out???? I sound really desperate don't I?

Sharon
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09-10-2012, 02:42 PM (This post was last modified: 09-10-2012 02:54 PM by Kiki.)
Post: #28
RE: Where am I going wrong?
Sharon,

My heart is breaking for you. For the sake of your marriage, I want to see you with a "win" here. There are obviously deeper issues, with what your hubby is expecting of you, but that is besides the point. You need to feel pretty and attractive in your own eyes, as well as his. He is your husband, and I get that you want to feel that he is attracted to you. I know how I became more introverted, and how it affected us intimately when I kept gaining (although it was me more than him. I just couldn't stand him seeing my fat). I remember blowing right past the phase that he thought was "cute" (aka I was gaining in the "right" places") and into the phase where the phrase "beached whale" actually made it past his lips...I could have died...

I can totally understand that others don't get it. That was hands down the hardest part for me. Too bad that he won't allow the BMF, because I'd love to know what it says. I won't go into how he shouldn't expect you to starve yourself, because we can't really expect others to understand this process if he hasn't been though it himself.

I think it sounds like we need to nail down what the best macros are for you. I know that for me, I can eat the same amount of cals, but simply switch up my macros and see completely different results. There could be something that we are missing here.

Do you notice any sensitivities to the carbs when you do eat them? With carbs being too low, how are you doing on fiber? and what is the breakdown of the fats that are too high? Sat/poly/mono?

If there is a possibility that I could have access to your food diary, I'd love to take a look and let you know if I see anything. Huh

Kiki (aka rambling )
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