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looking for some reassurance!
10-19-2012, 10:38 AM
Post: #1
looking for some reassurance!
I've been lurking this place, and reading EVERYTHING I can about it since the last week in August. I started slowly climbing to my TDEE the first week in September and I just now made it to that really scary calorie intake. 2150. I was eating about 1550 to 1650 previously. After reading NROLFW, and your forums, I decided to suck it up and purchase power blocks after using resistance bands for three years and hardly seeing any strength gains. OMG. I'm in love with them. I've had them for two and a half weeks and have already noticed a change. I sadly do not have the room for NROLFW due to my living arrangements, but once I have the opportunity, I will move from Chalean Extreme to the program in the book.

I suppose I should introduce myself and relate my back story. This is really long so I won't blame you if you don't read it.

I'm finally posting in the forums because I need some support, I know what I am doing is right, but I still feel a huge veil of doubt pressing down on me. I was 240 (if not a little more) pounds in 2009. That August, I started my journey to change my life. It took me a year and a half of hard work to reach my goal weight of 125 (I'm 5'4"). I did it slow, my lowest calorie deficit was between the weight of 140 and 125, I ate 1350, which was the lowest I ever ate. As soon as I hit maintenance, I upped it slowly to 1600 and then zigzagged between 1550 and 1750. I got as low as 122, but only for like two weeks lol. I did not trust the process I guess, even though I was on the right track. My problem? The moment I noticed a weight gain of even a pound or so, even if it was associated with having had too much over the weekend or enjoying a few drinks with friends...or good old TOM, I freaked and would eat less for a week. I never gave it a chance to just work itself out. I realize now that was ridiculous.

From the very beginning, I worked out first with Slim in Six, then Chalean Extreme for a few rounds, then Turbo Fire, TF advanced, and then the hybrid of the two (and I continually rotate this stuff up), I also used to run at the gym twice a week for an additional 50 mins of cardio (dif machines/hiits/etc) each day I went (I no longer do this as I've moved and do not have a gym membership anymore and I realize it was nuts!). Since about July 2012 I've been on just Chalean Extreme and I'm nearing the end of that again. I maintained my weight, or within about five pounds of this weight for another year and a half of my life, until this summer. In fact, about a year in (March/April 2012), i was more consistently 128/130.

I kept trying to tell myself the slight weight gain was from muscle, it very well might have been, but for all my working out, watching what I ate, and my protein intake, I wasn't getting any stronger in my opinion. I still cannot do a full pushup without being on my knees. I've done several rounds of chalean extreme and turbo fire and a combination of the two. I was using only resistance bands because it was what I could afford at the time that I started, and I liked that I could travel with them. You see, I do not miss workouts for travel or vacation. I haven't taken more than a scheduled active recovery week (scheduled through my workout programs I mean) for a little over three years, since I started my journey.

I moved back to Minnesota from Virginia in June of this year. I am living in my Grandmother's basement and I cook and clean for her, though she can still do it sometimes too (she has mild dementia and is 88). Its really really hard on my husband and myself. So I'm sure that stress isn't doing my body any favors either, but it was the only way we could drop what we were doing and move back to be with family, and she very badly needed help. No one wanted to hire us and move us from VA across the country. Maybe it was crazy, but you'd be amazed at what you would do for your family happy .

After no longer going to the gym, and ending the latest Turbo Fire/Chalean extreme hybrid, I decided to just do CE again. I lost a couple pounds. and went down from 130 to 128 and consistently stayed there. I was eating 1600 I believe, after having been zigzagging (median was 1552, highest day was 1800 something and lowest was 1274) from April to June (which did nothing so I went back to eating the same everyday). I thought COOL, maybe I was just working out too hard and what not so things will level off. Not cool, because I noticed my waist thickening, only half an inch to an inch but irregardless I noticed it. I did do abs three days a week during the CE schedule instead of one, as is in the schedule. Which could have possibly accounted for my waist measurement going up. I did not think I was getting that much stronger. I know that I was eating a little differently as we readjusted to our new surroundings and dealt with money issues etc. I could never get that last bit of fat to go away.

I tried to bring myself down again closer to my "goal weight" in August. I ate 1450, then 1200 for one week like a complete fool. the scale did not budge. so I was like FINE and went back up to 1650. I sat there another couple weeks. That is when I found this group. As stated back in that first paragraph, if you even remember it, if you made it through my NOVEL lol. I have been slowly creeping up to my TDEE. Well, as I've been creeping up, my weight did a little, but mostly stuck out around 132/133. This week, it has been more like 135.8/136.4. I KNOW you're going to tell me to get that scale into some closet and forget about it.

Its so hard to deal with this because I REFUSE to go back to being where I was. I'm scared to death of being fat again. Of letting myself go. I'm afraid that people will think I'm failing as I get bigger again (I'm afraid I'm going to feel that way and sometimes I do), and it hurts to no longer fit in my size four pants, my dresses, and seeing my size six pants getting tighter and my rolls around my waist that never went away even when I was at my smallest get squishy and larger again (some of it is lose skin, from all the weight I lost, I think).

I guess that's why I finally decided to post my story, because I had to get it out. I had to cry on a virtual shoulder. I have to know that what I'm doing is right. I do not want to be an old lady someday and have to eat 500 calories a day just to MAINTAIN. I want to be strong, I want to lose that fat that wouldn't go away even with all of my working out and all the weight lost. I just wish I had a time frame lol, but I do know its a slow process. Luckily I did keep some of my larger pants from my journey down in sizes. So I have these things to hide in. Also, I am a self employed graphic designer, and do not often have face to face meetings so I can feel awkward at home and not at the office, but it still smarts.

I never noticed weight going down while I was creeping up to TDEE, even as I passed my cut levels. I wonder sometimes if I should even be eating this much since i did not consider 1650 ish to be a very low calorie deficit. But I'm not sure. I hate not being in control...and even as I say that I know that I AM in control of this as this is something I'm purposefully trying to do to make my life better. I am hoping that at the end of all this, I will get back into my size 6 and size 4 pants. I'm willing to let go of a scale number that defines me, but I just need reassurance that the inches will go down.

Thank you for all of the resources you've provided. I read the articles you post on facebook everyday. I have watched your videos on youtube. It gives me hope and strengthens my resolve, but sometimes I'm still shaken. I love reading the forums, and I did buy your starter guide, though for some reason it would not let me save it, so I printed it and I'm missing a few pages.

oh and, this is what I'm doing, I'm finishing up CE, and once I'm through with this round, I've created my own hybrid, with two days off and much less cardio, but I get sick of the CE cardio so I'm going to be poking some TF cardio in there for two days, and then her hiits on two of the lifting days, and abs on the third lifting day. I basically sit on my butt in front of the computer most of the time and design things. I clean and cook and do other household chores here and there like everyone else, and every couple of weeks I go home for a couple days and help on the family farm. So I decided that moderate exercise, 3-5 hours a week was the correct activity level. I was hoping that is right.

thank you in advance to anyone who takes the time to read this huge mess! OH! I should add that I track my calories, etc on Sparkpeople, I very often hit my macros, and I've had a lot of family get-togethers this past weekend so I did have a hard time with food for two to three days in the evening meal. and I've had a fit bit since Christmas of 11 (though I broke it and needed a replacement in july lol), I never did eat what it told me too.../facepalm
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10-19-2012, 02:25 PM
Post: #2
RE: looking for some reassurance!
Wow. You have been on quite the journey! You have been so amazingly persistent through all of this and I think that's so inspirational. Also, what you're doing for your grandma. lovestruck

I'm so glad that you decided to speak up and share with us. This process is very hard. Nobody should try to do this alone. We all have times where we need to yell, scream, cry. Seeing the scale go up is so frustrating.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Giving your body proper nutrients will help with muscle growth and gains in strength. It will be hard to see while you're eating at TDEE and resetting your metabolism, and even once you get to cut you will not likely see super speedy results. But that will be the time to get out the tape measure and take pictures, because slowly but surely your body will change!

Hang in there!

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10-19-2012, 09:20 PM
Post: #3
RE: looking for some reassurance!
Thank you so much for making it through my gigantic post! I appreciate your kind words and I'm definitely taking them to heart. Thank you for the encouragement.

I've been measuring, and I have tons of horrible bathroom mirror pictures from my journey, and recent ones that I review in hopes of some positive change instead of the "oh damn, it looks bigger" lol.

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10-19-2012, 09:34 PM
Post: #4
RE: looking for some reassurance!
thanks for sharing your story! I can so relate to parts of it Sad

Especially the paragraph about the fear of gaining weight back and getting fat again and the feelings of failure, the shame of having to face people if i get fat again and so on Sad

So like you i went up in calories, then back down, then slightly back up Sad

Like you the scale gain was relatively minimal, maybe 3kg (6-ish pounds) but when i started to notice my measurements go up slightly that was it!!! Back down went the calories Sad i am currently on 1600 calories too, but i am a typical EM2WL failure! I freaked out then eat 1200, then go ok i will eat my BMR of 1281, then bugger this i will go to 1400! Currently its 1600.
I gave eating more a good go of maybe 3 or 4 months?
However if i am to be honest, i have to admit that my treat days started to go from 1 day a week to 2 sometimes 3 days a week.
Also at the time i was training for a half marathon and my carbs probably needed to be higher than they were.
I have a self diagnosed food addiction! Perhaps even food obsession is right. Hey i am a wog! its all about food for us! LOL

See what annoys me is that i am typical of people who eat low cal then try to maintain and the weight just pours on again!

I have a friend who ate relatively more while losing and she can have 2 or 3 binge meals a week, even go over her calories some days and still either have a loss or maintain weight!!!

SO what i am going to do is, I have ordered a BMF, then i am going to eat at a defecit from that. No idea what defecit to be honest yet.
For someone obsessed with food i sure as hell am petrified of eating more regularly!! Its crazy!!
But its about consistency right! Just like training!
I keep saying this, not that it will change anything but i wish it wasn't 80% food 20% exercise! It really should be 50% food 50% exercise! That way those of us who dont struggle with working out could balance and those of who don't struggle with food could also balance it, we would all be on an even playing field right?? LOL

I am going to weigh the day i get the BMF, then the scales are going in hiding and not going to even look at them for 1 month at the minimum! I will also take my measurements that day and a photo.

Then just trust in the process but do it right this time and watch my splurge days. Who knows i may end up like so many people i read about, who no longer need the splurge days. Though i think for me that will take some mental work.

Sorry not meaning to hijack your thread with my story! But your story really hit a nerve for me.

I sincerely do wish you all the best in your journey and you are right- Damned if we are going to be little old ladies having to eat 500calories just to maintain! happy
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