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Long-time Lurker, first-time Poster
08-19-2013, 09:12 AM (This post was last modified: 08-19-2013 09:14 AM by Anniemous.)
Post: #1
Long-time Lurker, first-time Poster
I feel like I just need to get some history and emotions off my chest. I'm sorry for being so self-indulgent, but hopefully that's okay to do here.

The first time I felt fat was in 5th grade. I was a pretty chubby kid, but I don't think I ever cared until I watched a video of myself giving a presentation. They asked us to critique ourselves (as far as presentation skills go), and my critique was "I look fat."

I was always pretty big. Even when I was swimming OVER 20 hours a week in high school, I was bigger than my friends. Looking back at pictures now, I wasn't fat, I just wasn't a size zero. Either way, I decided my senior year that I was going to stop eating lunch to lose weight. This was also the first year of many that I started falling asleep uncontrollably in class, to the point where people thought I had narcolepsy. My hair also constantly shed in clumps. I've never had a regular period without medication, so at least that wasn't new. I didn't have one at all for about 8 months. I was still bigger than my friends.

I gained a ton of weight in college, for all the usual reasons. My junior year I was ~185 at 5'6. I was perfectly healthy, but way too big for my comfort levels. I decided to get serious about lifting weights that summer, which turned into my career as a personal trainer. I love exercise and physical activity - always have. If I can do one thing, it's project that love onto my clients.

I feel like a sham, a hypocrite, though. I give nutrition advice to my clients all the time, and tell them that 'food is not the enemy,' and that there are no 'unclean' or 'clean foods.' I tell them that it is important to love their body now as it is, regardless of if they want to lose weight. I say all this, but when it comes to myself, I don't believe it at all.

I see cellulite on my thighs in the mirror and I want to quit eating entirely. It feels good to think about punishing myself for that embarrassment that way. Of course, I'm too weak to do so, but the desire is still there. I've been trying to lose weight recently by counting calories, and I GAINED weight (4lbs). I think to myself "I think I look like I lost fat?", and maybe I have, but it's not THAT noticeable and no one believes me. My boyfriend knows I"m trying to lose weight, and says I just need to lower my calories more if I'm not losing weight. He's not being unkind, that's just him being practical. And I'm inclined to do so.

I lost 20lbs last year by going down to 1200 cal on rest days, 1500 on workout days. Did I mention I'm a powerlifter? I lift heavy weight basically everyday right now and I'm considering going back down to those calorie levels. It's insane. I should also mention that I haven't progressed in weights since I started this bizarre diet cycle my senior year of college. Coincidence?

I just can't reconcile this battle in my head. I know I need to eat, but I want to lose weight. I don't seem able to do both. I wanted to compete in the 147lb weight class one day (I weigh 163 right now), but now that seems like an impossibility.

Sorry again for the long ramble. I think I just needed to get it off my chest. It feels better to write it all out. Anyway, I think this is an amazing community and you're doing a great thing for people. I send a lot of my clients with food issues here. Thanks for all you do!
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08-19-2013, 11:15 AM
Post: #2
RE: Long-time Lurker, first-time Poster
Awww, thanks!

I can totally understand that battle. Sometimes it's tough being a leader but having to deal with your own issues. As trainers we can sometimes get so wrapped up in our clients that we either don't give ourselves the care that we need, or we end up being overly critical knowing that others are looking up to us.

I hope that you'll stick it out on the high road. You know what you need to do, but that's sometimes easier said than done, huh?

How do you feel that your relationship with the scale is right now?

Are you tracking bf%? or taking pics?

I know how the mirror can be a fleeting compliment sometimes, lol...you look and think, hmmm I look leaner, then five minutes later we're picking ourselves apart! LOL.

Kiki (aka rambling )
EM2WL.com
My MFP Diary


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08-19-2013, 04:27 PM
Post: #3
RE: Long-time Lurker, first-time Poster
(08-19-2013 11:15 AM)Kiki Wrote:  Awww, thanks!

I can totally understand that battle. Sometimes it's tough being a leader but having to deal with your own issues. As trainers we can sometimes get so wrapped up in our clients that we either don't give ourselves the care that we need, or we end up being overly critical knowing that others are looking up to us.

I hope that you'll stick it out on the high road. You know what you need to do, but that's sometimes easier said than done, huh?

How do you feel that your relationship with the scale is right now?

Are you tracking bf%? or taking pics?

I know how the mirror can be a fleeting compliment sometimes, lol...you look and think, hmmm I look leaner, then five minutes later we're picking ourselves apart! LOL.

I've been a trainer for a while, and sometimes it does boggle my mind that people ask me for help, when I have been having issues getting stronger and losing weight myself. I know that I do a good job because I thankfully keep record of objective data, but it's easy to brush that aside sometimes.

My relationship with the scale isn't static. When I first started counting calories, I lost ~3lbs and was ECSTATIC. I loved the diet, feeling like I was eating a ton and even eating things like cookies if they fit my macros, guilt-free. However, once I started gaining it back (after about a week), and even gaining an extra pound to 164, it was crushing depression. I felt awful about myself and immediately cut down from 2,000 calories to 1,800. I still gained weight. It was really bad for me mentally. However part of me was like "that's not right, it can't be fat. You couldn't gain that fast even if you tried, and you KNOW you're at a deficit." Plus, I'd look in the mirror and I think I've lost fat. (I took before pictures and will have updated pictures next week...hopefully they look different like I think they will)

So after that pep talk to myself, I stopped caring about the scale. But then I told my boyfriend and clients and co-workers "I gained 4 pounds but I am pretty sure I lost fat" and no one believes that's possible. I either get questioned, skeptical looks, or "don't delude yourself." So now I'm worried about it again.

I just had a 'inspect myself' session in the mirror (which I probably should stop doing) and at first was like 'damn, yeah you've definitely lost fat look at dem abs' then a minute later '...you haven't lost any weight. You've definitely gained fat.' So frustrating!!
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08-19-2013, 06:58 PM
Post: #4
RE: Long-time Lurker, first-time Poster
ROFL!!!!

Oh my goodness!!!! You sound like me! LOL..

I get so mad at myself for doing that sometimes. It's like the angel and devil on the shoulder thing how fast the good thought comes and goes. It's like a guarantee that a compliment moment will be followed by temptation to bash myself right after.

IDK what that's about...the crazy female brain I guess, lol...

Well, if it helps...I believe you!! big grin

I just took a pic of myself today, after going through what you're talking about and was shocked to see that I CLEARLY had lost fat. I mean, I thought I did, and DH said it looked like I did, and even my calipers agreed. But between having those back and forth moments, and the scale constantly climbing. I had to just go ahead and take a pic.

Wouldn't you know?! I'm 6 lbs heavier, but with obvious changes. I just posted the pic in my journal on here: http://forums.eatmore2weighless.com/show...50#pid5450

Sometimes we just gotta do what we gotta do to bring ourselves back down to earth. And when all else fails...we have each other to talk us down! LOL

Kiki (aka rambling )
EM2WL.com
My MFP Diary


Looking for me? Follow the chocolate trail cool ....
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
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